Some feelings towards work

So yesterday there was a long conversation (sort of, mostly I just kind of stood there and listened, like I always do because I fail at conversation) that spanned quite a few topics with one of my coworkers. Included in the rambling were some reassurances that I work here for a reason and I’m adding to this company, which I haven’t really been feeling so far since so far I’ve done very little actual company work, and quite a bit of time killing because I just don’t know what else to do. But right now I’m working on some illustrations for slides for a speech the boss is giving in Japan this week. This is probably something that should be done already, but it took a while for him to communicate just what he wanted, and I don’t think he started working on the speech until he was actualy on the plane last week. So yay for rush jobs, I guess. I’m told this is pretty normal. Anyway, my coworker was so kind as to remind me that my work will be international marketing materials and that people from big name electronics companies will see them. Which is kind of intimidating, to say the least. This is really bizarre, honestly. I was so sure I was going to end up doing something that had nothing to do with my degree, but here I am trying to be a professional illustrator, and eventually an actual mangaka? Even if it is going to be training materials, what the hell, man. I still don’t feel all that confident in my abilities (and please go look at the work of some of the amazing illustrators out there just on deviantArt and stuff before you try to tell me how great I am just because I’m probably related to you—there really is no comparison at all, and I think the only people who are really impressed with me are those who don’t usually spend time looking at the REALLY great art) but maybe this will give me an opportunity and motivation to work more on my skills and improve them, even though I know I’ll never reach the levels I’d like to.

Anyway. I don’t want to be doing this forever, because I do have something else I want to do with my life someday that I don’t think I’ve talked about here yet, but until I can build up what I need for that, I guess this is a pretty good place to be at. Maybe as soon as I get some finished projects done I’ll feel more like I’m accomplishing something here and less like I’m just an overpaid receptionist and they’ll start wondering why they hired me any day now.

So yeah, that’s how it is at work. As it turns out, having a paycheck is really pretty nice. I’ve already ended up buying some things that aren’t strictly necessary, have plans for some more, and I think I’m getting over a lot of my guilt of spending money ever really quickly. Not all of it though, and I’m guessing a lot will come back when I actually start sending money to those student loans, ugh. Maybe it’s a good thing I only get paid every other week, that makes the “holy crap I have some money let’s go spend some” rush happen less often. It also kind of makes it feel better because the paycheck’s twice as big, too. Just the wait is a little agonizing even if I don’t really have an immediate need for the money, and am well used to not having any at all. I am putting a bit into savings as I go, too, so that should be nice to have.

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